Dear ________,
Everyone knows that you appear to lack energy and spirit. That is not because you lack motivation. You really do want to be a significant member of the community. Unfortunately, you seem to suffer from social apathy.
You want people to like you, but appear unable to take the first step to achieve acceptance. You exhibit detachment, which will lead to alienation. This will inevitably result in catatonic stupor.
I was rifling through my "Execute Today!" file the other day. I happened upon this piece of executive wisdom. It was first published for a Senior Loss Adjusters' Course. What you need is a crash course in charisma!!
This guide is particularly suitable for treating your problem.
THIS MATERIAL CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!
Yours,
Conrad
PRACTICAL GUIDE No. 33
"How to Acquire Charisma"
"How did he get it?" you ask. Well he wasn't born with it and he couldn't buy it. He acquired his charisma the hard way. Six months ago he was a tangled mess of neuroses. Like you, he veered between posturing arrogance and gutless self-abasement. Picture a room full of such people at a party! It's all set for a multi-personality clash which could finance boatloads of psychiatrists on trips to Bermuda.
You read the situation, don't you? (Look! It's obvious for God's sake. Put increasing numbers of emotionally unbalanced people together and the instability grows exponentially.) They're all seeking someone without their hangups – someone with a coping persona. They are looking for someone with charisma. That someone could be you! All you needs is a few simple rules and a little practice.
Now before starting, write down a list of all your good points. That didn't take long did it? Throw away the list. We are going to create a new YOU.
First, you need to develop a new attention-grabbing posture. Start with the ACME No. 4. You stand with your feet apart and rock slightly on toes and heels. This symbolises dynamism. Throw your head back and move it from side to side in a gesture of acceptance. Smile and nod, signalling others to approach you.
Now let's get to work on your persona. Let your voice represent your personality. Practice speaking with a deep resonant warmth, exuding great attractive truths in sonorous melodic tones. Keep away from expensive crystal. When you have perfect pitch control you are ready for your charismatic utterances.
Prepare a set of social messages to cover most social situations. Your initial themes are HAPPINESS and CONCERN. "How do you do? No, I'm not drunk. Rather, I feel happy because I am happy. I'm concerned that you should feel happy too. You're not? Now that concerns me. Tell me about it, please!"
Very soon, they'll be flocking around you, trying to confide their innermost secrets.
Posture – voice – attractive messages. Fused together these produce charisma. Having practised thoroughly, you are now ready to test the new you.
Pick an easy situation to start with. Use a party attended by PR consultants, BBC executives, psychologists or professional counsellors – any gathering where you can be guaranteed a bunch of pathetic neurotics. Now, a quick last rehearsal (don't forget your soup stains) and you're off!
Arrive early. Stand discreetly in the corner. As the others enter, observe them closely. What's this? What's happening? They're all teetering about and nodding their heads. The air is thick with their damned Happiness and Concern. Their collective charisma is like an overstretched piano wire.
Don't you worry. You've made it. it's now the time to announce your neuroses.*
* See Practical Guide No. 58 – "How to Acquire Interesting Neuroses"
