It was good to see everyone on Thursday evening at the Departure Lounge in The Greystoke. While I was there I tried to explain about my job-seeking experiences. Unfortunately, other people wanted to talk as well!! I know you will be interested in my difficulties because they will illustrate your future problems when attempting to carve out your own destiny.
I went for the Omnia Channel TV Tuner job interview and was shamed! I have been involved in many interviews in my time, but have never suffered such a gruelling and painful experience.
There was a large number of forms to be partially completed. I quickly realised why this was so. You see, Omnia Channel TV have sub-contracted the recruitment of TV Tuners to Reed Recruitment. In tern, they have contracted with Ealing TEC to provide the training. Ealing TEC have hired a training company to lay on the training and another company to supervise the tuning.
Everyone is taking a bite out of the cherry. The government gains by having people taken off benefit for the duration of the contract. This is one way in which I have become unstuck.
"You haven't described your social welfare benefits," they said.
"I haven't got any," I said.
"You can see the difficult position that puts us in, then. There is no social benefit from your employment."
"Are you discriminating against those who make no financial claim on the State?" I asked.
"No. Not as such. But it's a factor to be considered along with all the other considerations," they replied clumsily.
As I filled in the forms I realised that I was a mere fly caught in the vast Honeypot of Avarice called the Dept of Employment. They are even now checking the following:
- Criminal record – through the Police
- Civial court judgements – court records
- Credit rating – through financial audit organisations
- Health (general) – via GP
- Alcohol adherence – via local licensees
- Moral rating – vial local counsellor or church official
They have already commenced investigating other aspects of my suitability by what they call "one-on-one" techniques. That means they talk with me. I find this particularly rewarding because it gives me fresh insights into my personality.
For example, Michelle, my Induction Progression Guide, has told me that I suffer from:
- Conversation Cliché – I use clichés in conversation to an extent that will be hugely dissatisfying in a typical TV Tuning Scenario
- Pseudo Academic Scepticism – asking questions
- Inappropriate Sense of Humour
Michelle, who is a qualified personnel officer, says that these defects can be cured and is fixing it for me to have a counselling session with her colleague, Tracy. It so happened that Tracy was on the premises. Michelle, using her professional strengths, was able to have a call put out to contact Tracy.
"Will Miss Tracy Entractonovitch please contact Personnel Recruitment when available? There may be an assignment in it."
After completing a Counselling Request Application, I was shown into a Counselling Studio where I waited for Tracy. After half an hour she arrived brushing crumbs from her lips. She waved me to a small tool while she studied my growing file. Meanwhile, I studied her. She was a large girl with red hair, dressed in a purple frock. She wore white, casual shoes, which she scuffed about incessantly.
When she spoke it was confirm the information already given. Then she casually asked if I was prepared to take Temperament Test. I replied "Certainly", and for some reason my response threw her into a rage.
"You think there's nothing to a Temperament Test, do you?" she yelled. "Let me tell you there are better people than you who have failed it, including my father who was a famous sociologist. You'd better give me some respect otherwise you will also fail, and for the same reason he did – disrespect. Now to begin. What are the most important aspects of tuning a domestic TV set?"
"Knowing your equipment," I suggested.
"Wrong!" she crowed delightedly. "The most important aspect of a TV tuning procedure is the conference with the householder – you thick idiot! If you aren't both in emotional accord, there can be tortuous emotional difficulties. Even you should appreciate that!"
"I understand my target is to be four TV sets an hour. I don't have time to get to know the customers," I protested.
Tracy went pale with fury. "Don't you know anything?" she hissed. "Your job would be to satisfy customers; to create a meaningful ongoing relationship between Omnia and the customer. Now, I'm going to show you how to talk to customers and you will take notes, if you can write! Go outside and come in again."
I went outside, turned left and carried on walking until I had left the building.
I'll keep you informed by "one-on-one" interaction. Meanwhile, I might get the paper round job.
Conrad
