For example, imagine you have just returned from your holiday in Spain, or Egypt, or Birmingham, or . . . (Look here! It doesn't really matter where you have spent your damned holiday! Alright, I apologise and accept that it really DOES matter to you, but it has nothing to do with the example!)
You have been on holiday and, on returning, you find a gorilla in your sitting room. What do you do? First, a couple of DON'Ts.
DON'T try to prove your legal right to the property. He won't listen.
DON'T just pretend to ignore him. This never results in successful gorilla removal.
Instead, adopt a scientific approach:
- adopt a 'gorilla walking backwards – quickly' posture
- close the door behind you
- go and buy a large bunch of bananas
Fasten the bananas to a stick and approach your gorilla, waving the bananas at him. They should be kept out of his reach so that you can lure him into the garden. A word of warning: before waving, make sure the door behind you has been left open. It's a common mistake to shut it. You are left waving bananas and trying to open a door whilst second-guessing a hungry gorilla. Quite undignified!
You will quite often find that your gorilla, with one mighty swoop, grabs the bananas and consumes them. What do you do? In a word, you must GAIN HEIGHT.
Leap onto the highest object in the room, normally a bookcase. It is not widely known that gorillas normally live at ground level. Trust me, he will not try to follow you. In any case, you are in a good position to repel him with kicks and sharp cries.
He will soon get bored. Eventually, he will wander off. Just be patient. Make sure he will not return. Have a little sleep if you wish.
You will awaken refreshed, ready to explain to visiting friends why you are sleeping on the bookcase (see Practical Guide No. 43).
