Perhaps you could give me some legal advice, using your experience of Community Legislation?
As you know, according to panpsychism there is consciousness in everything, even rocks. Leibnitz held a similar view. Does consciousness confer legal rights? Has an item of games equipment a right to privacy enforceable by injunction? I enter the following case.
Yesterday, at the local hospital, I was given some very good news about my health. I was enraptured? But how to you celebrate on a Tuesday morning? Yes! You've got it in 1 (one)! You have a game of croquet. Who will play with you? You play solo croquet.
I set up my croquet hoops and central peg on a flat, smooth area of Ealing Common and started to play. As you know, there are four balls coloured Blue, Red, Black and Yellow. I played them as pairs. Blue and Black were partnered against the other two.
At first the game was stunningly boring. It lacked bite. My concentration wandered. A new element was required. Then I noticed that Red was attacking Blue, often without just cause. Did my ears deceive me when I heard a tiny shriek of alarm from Blue as Red molested her? Was I a party to this offense? I decided to tackle Red immediately.
"I don't know why you're causing Blue such distress. I hope you don't think I've given any encouragement. It's been a clean game so far and I like to . . ."
Red turned on me and, in a harsh alcoholic voice, snarled "Look! It's all up to you, Buster! You wield the mallet. You make the rules and you set the tone! And a right mess you make of it too. Don't come blubbering around me. Instead, sort out Black! You've seen what he's been doing to my little friend, Yellow. But you prefer to turn a blind eye there, don't you?"
I must confess that I had not been aware of the undercurrents below the game. I stepped over to listen to Yellow's problem.
"Oh, please understand me! I'm making no complaints about anyone," whined Yellow. "It's just that none of the others seems to have any time for me, particularly Blue. She is the only girlball here and I do respect her. But she's always with that dark evil creature Black. I really don't know why."
I saw I had to restore common sense to the situation. "The reason Blue works with Black is that she is on his side. Can't you see that? And while you may not like him very much, Red is on your side. He tells me that Black has been mistreating you. In what way?"
Yellow smiled slyly. "He hasn't really. But if I can convince Red that Black has been cruel to me, then he will focus on using Black to get his croquet shots. That way, Black will get separated from Blue. Please tell her that I am longing to join her."
I couldn't quite see how my game should be dictated by the romantic attachments of the croquet balls. Nevertheless, I approached Blue with Yellow's message. I was astonished by the response.
"What they hell d'you think you're doing?" shrieked Blue. "You're supposed to be impartial. That means no favourites. And here you are wandering all over the place prying into personal affairs. Then you bustle about carrying gossip to cause trouble. If you must know, Red is a close friend and if we like a bit of the rough stuff whose business is that?"
I retreated to central peg. What should I do? A deep, mellow voice interrupted my deliberations. "Yes! I'm your peg," it said. "Why not take the advice of a mature and experienced person? If I were you I'd talk less and listen more. As you know, according to EU regulations, the rights of games equipment cannot be ignored..."
With a first grasp of my hand I removed the peg and there was silence over the whole court.
Do you fancy a lively, fully participative, game of croquet with a "soap" dialogue generating facility? If so, contact me but bring a robust sound-proof box with you. Meanwhile, I've made a new hospital appointment.
