Dear ______,
As you probably know, a recent decision of the Synod of the Church of England has permitted product advertising in selected churches on a trial basis. It was bound to come, wasn't it?
Of course, there are restrictions on the type and nature of the messages. They are limited to adjurations to care for loved-ones by investing in life assurance, taking private health assurance and so on.
The churches chosen for the experiment tend to be progressive, with a young and forward-looking vicar. I know one called Gavin, who is minister of St Amelior in the posh end of Acton. He invited me to inspect the adverts at any time. "Your church is always open?" I asked. "Of course," he said. "It's God's house. I'll just give you an entrance key. You have to surrender it to get out. It's security. In any case, our Young Mothers have donated a complete CCTV system."
I was in Acton the other day and decided to visit the church, which is in a typical Victorian setting. The inside was quite traditional, and the new adverts seemed to be discreetly arranged along the nave. However, there was one glaring exception. Over the high altar in large letters was the sign "COCA COLA!"
I stared at it. "Good God!" I whispered.
"What is it this time?" asked God.
"I didn't intend to bother you. It was just the Coca Cola sign. It seemed so . . . disrespectful."
"Don't let that bother you," God assured me. "I'm not mocked. People do all sorts of things in my name. Often they do cruel things. They misquote me to satisfy their own prejudices. Take incest between consenting adults, for example. But don't let me keep you. I'm just the eternal Father of Mankind."
"I'm glad you said that," I said. "You have eternity and I have until lunchtime. I'd welcome the opportunity to sort some things out with you."
"OK. Take a pew," said God. "You can please yourself on topics. You'll find me knowledgeable about everything, except that I have a unique difficulty with solipsism."
"First of all," I said, "to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I believe in you. You see, this chat may be taking place entirely in my head. But can I leave that for now and ask you straight up . . . did you create the universe?"
"Course I did," said God. "Who else was there? I set up the basic materials and the fundamental rules. The materials could transform themselves and the rules could evolve and elaborate. Then, I let it run. 'Big Bang'. See?"
I interjected. "But you do intervene, don't you? To ensure the universe is developing in line with your intentions?"
"You must be joking, chum!" exclaimed God. "When I make something it works to my intentions. Now with life on Earth and all the other planets, I simply sketched the basic pattern. With the 'sentient beings' I made them basically in my own image. That's a laugh for a start. But they are evolving and give it a few million years and they will be worth introducing to each other."
"If men are stupid and cruel," I replied, "it's your fault. You knew how they'd be from the start. And you have the gall to threaten them with the Final Judgment and Hell!"
"Don't get stroppy with me!" shouted God. "I may be omniscient but I deliberately looked the other way So, how could I then forecast that Man would invent all that Last Judgment and eternal punishment rubbish and put it on to me? I have never wanted to judge Mankind. I have never even set out a code of conduct!
"It's Mankind on Earth who has produced some pretty sound rules of conduct," God continued. "These change and evolve according to circumstances. Mankind then attributes all the rules and changes to me. This is to achieve authenticity. And don't they get their knickers in a twist if there are any contradictions, eh? But why should I mind? I certainly won't be handing out punishments. That would be savagery."
"I can see that," I acknowledged. "But it's a bit surprising to learn that you, God, are not really interested in how people behave. Our belief in you is, in one sense, based on your demand that we follow your ethical guidelines, that you judge us and that we worship you . . ."
"Aw, come on! Leave it out!" protested God. "I know what I am. I don't need a bunch of under-developed life forms praising away and, under cover of that, off-loading on to me the responsibility for their own ethical sanctions."
I decided now to get back to the central issue. "A lot of people have difficulty with deciding whether you exist. The fact that I seem to be talking to you now is no proof of your existence. I might be just imagining you."
"Tell me about it!" exclaimed God. "That's part of my difficulty with solipsism. Since I created everything, how can I have any proof that anything exists, except by creating the basis for the proofs? I've got to come to a conclusion about solipsism.
"But you have it easy," God added. "You can now believe I exist because everything you do or think now will accommodate the knowledge of my existence."
By now I was feeling mental indigestion. God recognised that straight away. "Go away and think about it, matt," He advised. "When you've unravelled it a bit, we'll have another chat."
"OK," I said. "But how will I find you?"
"Don't worry, friend. I'll find you," said God.
I must go back.
