EALING COMMON
How to play croquet on it
Croquet on Ealing Common is a delightful experience. It is simple to play and it is a placid pastime. Here are a few tips which novices may find helpful.
Don't worry too much about the expertise of your opponent. However, to enjoy the game thoroughly try to find someone who has only just learned the rudiments. Then collect your equipment; hide a copy of the rules about your person, and leave a bottle of aspirins on the kitchen table.
The Common is perfect croquet country. Select your site. Naturally, you are looking for a flat surface of evenly cut lawn, about 35 yards by 28. There are plenty of such places. You can always see them in the distance. So can your opponent – but in a different direction. "What about just over there?" the idiot cries excitedly, and starts trundling the equipment in the wrong direction – towards St Matthew's Church. Meanwhile, you are patiently planning the perfect site by The Grange. This continues for some time until your opponent hammers the central peg into the middle of a piece of nondescript marsh. "There," he says, decisively.
Don't argue. Never argue about croquet. It destroys the sweet concord of the game. Instead, indicate your acceptance with a heavy sigh. Then go over the chosen court, laboriously picking up every minute piece of litter. Then lean sideways and say, "Of course, the ground slopes a bit." One up to you! Hand him three of the six hoops and together push them into the ground. Try as he may, he will never be able to get his three to match yours. Issue your instructions in a general and polite manner. "Up a bit." "I'd move it along a midge." "Yes. Just go over a few paces." At first he will be confused by your instructions. Then he will show unreasonable irritability by jamming in his hoops and grabbing his mallet to get in a bit of sharp practice.
You need to gain his attention. Pull out the rules which you earlier concealed and study them as you make your way to the first hoop. Carry on beyond it a few paces and crouch on the ground. "What is it?" he will ask suspiciously. (Poor players are always suspicious.) "Just setting the baulk line [the notional edge of the court]. It just runs between these two clumps of grass." If he demands a more precise marking out of the edge of the court, be noble about it. Start collecting twigs to push in the ground and pace out the court, to his directions. Naturally, you will let him know it's a load of bureaucratic nonsense, and "it's only a friendly game anyway". It helps to refer to any threatening clouds, etc. You will have achieved your point when he grips his mallet (snow white knuckles) and cries "For God's sake, let's get on with it!"
He is clearly ready to play. Invite him to go first. Stand well clear, at an angle of 80° from the direction he is facing. Swing your mallet in large sweeping gestures. When he looks at you – well, more of a hostile stare, really – catch his eye and say "Have you got the right mallet?". Offer yours. When he refuses, rudely retreat behind him out of his sight and whistle.
Let the game begin. As you know, the object of croquet is to get both of your balls through all the hoops. You each take turns hitting either of your two balls. If you can strike any other ball, you place the hitting ball next to it and take a strike moving one or both balls. Then you have an extra stroke. So, just as your opponent has positioned his ball to go through a hoop, you strike it with yours. You then put your ball next to his and get through the hoop yourself, instead. Delightful! Then, because you have been through the hoop, you get an extra stroke. You hit his ball again. You are going to send his ball flying off, while your own will be positioned to go through the next hoop. Ecstasy!
You can tell that your opponent realises all this. If his is self-controlled, he is merely trembling with frustration. More usually, his face is distorted as he taps the side of his head with his mallet. Some young players communicate their knowledge by flinging themselves on the ground, sobbing.
At this point, don't gloat by immediately playing your winning stroke. Instead, ask his advice. Say: "If I knock you over there, how can I be sure that I will get through the next hoop on this turn and catch you again for a further hoop?" Ignore the advice you receive. It's likely to be offensive. Now take your stroke. Don't arrogantly judge your own success. Be humble. Let your opponent be the best judge. If, from the middle of his contorted face, you hear the words "I'm no good. Stupid, stupid," you probably played a fine stroke. Smile at him, as if inviting congratulations. On the other hand, if he says nothing, but scurries like a stoat to his own ball with a malicious, triumphant leer, you have been very unlucky. Ease your tension by pointing out the dreadful condition of the court (his choice). Examine your mallet head (he had the better one). Knocking your mallet against your leg actually relieves pain.
Of course, he might get ahead of you. Do not lose control as he does. Concentrate on the game. Question every shot he takes, referring if necessary to the rules. Explain the game to any onlooker by describing precisely what your opponent is now going to do to complete the game in one turn. Stand by the spectator, helpfully explaining your opponent's mistakes. Then, while your opponent waits, explained how he should have played.
If your opponent is lucky enough to keep on placing your balls precisely where he wants them and is going to win, do not despair. Control the quite justified anger. Make a mental note of his smug, self-satisfied smile. Observe his cool, casual stroll as he prepares to upset your carefully constructed ball positions. Resist the temptation to cheat by nudging and swivelling your balls while his attention is diverted. He might see you. Instead, let your shrieking curses be internal. Grip something hard – like your mallet. Change your tactics. Don't attempt to win. Play all your strokes at his balls. Try to stop him winning too easily. At the same time, keep referring to the time. "Urgent we finish. Got an appointment." Expert delivery of time pressure has won the most unpromising games.
If you finally win, don't gloat over your opponent. He won't like it. Merely point out where he went wrong and offer to demonstrate the correct strokes. He won't accept your offer. On the other hand losing is always more difficult. He will be braying away in triumph. If you can still manage to speak to him at all, tell him it's his job to collect the equipment. Tell him to check it again because you are sure he has forgotten something. You are already late.
Whether you have one or lost, you will find it difficult to hold a conversation on the way home. Either he will be prattling on about some footling stroke or other or your attempts to converse will be met with sullen grunts.
When you get home, reach for the aspirins and a bottle of whisky. They won't do you any good, except dull the pain of Croquet on the Common.
I have attempted to pack a lifetime's experience into these guidelines. I could have missed something. If any reader thinks I have missed something, let him offer his own tips. I will treat them in the manner they deserve.
