I don't know if you have a WH Smith Customer Card yet. They are jolly good fun. And crumbs, to get one you don't even have to be able to read!
I got mine on achieving my seventieth birthday. I had been given a birthday book token. I decided to spend it on my usual replacement set of rulers. On exchanging my token I had disclosed the usual spurious information – mother's maiden name, blood group, army number, church confirmation location, etc.
In return for the token I received a special purple-coloured Customer Card (to signify decent preparation for the inevitable). This would permit me free run of the store with a purchasing power of 100 units (£4.36), to be redeemed over twelve months, commencing in six months time.
My moans of pleasure were controlled by a helpful assistant, Enid, of whom more may be said later.
Enid told me that achieving seventy years of age gave me the privilege of using the Senescence Studio, located at the back of the store (sometimes known as the gaga shed).
There, I wandered happily through the merchandise:
- LARGE PRINT PICTURE BOOKS
- BRIGHTLY COLOURED RAFFIA
- CODGER COMICS (jokes carefully explained)
- "COUNTING YOUR PILLS" (a solitaire game)
- PLAYDOUGH
There is a special section on "AB-ILIT-IES" staffed by professional staff. Their role is to supervise the aged customers, conduct customer competence tests and eject any failures. These include simple group exercises like "Waiting Our Turn in the Queue".
I would not be surprised to learn that you have not even heard of the Purple Card for Elderly Incompetents. Not all stores are yet equipped. The company is engaged in the Age Debate, taking place throughout all age and ethnic sectors.
Enid explained that the stress of life demands optimal nervous attention at all times. Naturally, this desperate clinging on to A.A.A. (Adult Attention and Awareness) cannot be sustained indefinitely. She told me that holders of Purple Cards were subject to close and sustained study to assess their survival rates.
In the end, Enid, chose a practical manual to assist me in future life:
Settling into Senility (There is a whole chapter on "Sucking Soft Centres"!)
By the time I've finished reading it, you'll be ready to receive it yourself. I'll send it on to you – a week next Wednesday! If you just want to try it out, go to your local WH Smith and ask to be directed to the Senescence Studio.
Conrad
