Dear ______,
I want to take this opportunity to write to you on a matter that has been causing me severe emotional upset. I chose you because you are clearly a person of considerable sensitivity. So much so that you will never answer back.
As is known, I'm quiet easy-going, prepared to receive different points of view, and so forth. However, I'm becoming sick of receiving glib lectures from academic theorists about matters on which I have direct, hard-won, tortured experience.
I have taken great pains with my son Jeffrey, trying to teach him about the acquisition of attitudinal characteristics in human beings. As he is a research psychologist he attempts to dominate the discussion by referring to neuroscience, meddling about with genetic strains and that pompous new breed of philosophers attempting to gain intellectual stature by climbing aboard the shaky structures erected by the other two.
I maintained that, outside his specialist field, he knew nothing more about people's dominating characteristics than anyone else. We have all known from time immemorial where human characteristics come from. Yes, I refer to none other than "The Good Fairy".
I remember as though it were yesterday that day just before my birth when I visited the Human Gift Store to choose my distinctive characteristic. It was crowded. It had inadequate and uncomfortable furniture, and had a number of serving positions. All were closed. It was rather like a social security office.
I approached a serving hatch and rang the bell. A voice shouted "Closed!" I protested. "Look, I've come here for nothing more than my entitlements. I'm on my way to being born and I need my distinctive characteristic, now!"
An ugly, menacing figure appeared at the hatch. On his stained, blue serge uniform was an unbelievable name tag: "GRUDGE". He stared at me with stony hostility. "Who are you?" I asked. "I'm yer good fairy," he rasped. "What d'ya want?"
I considered seeking access to a senior manager to complain about my fairy's uncouth demeanour. I recognised, however, that I was likely to become the butt of bureaucratic buffoonery. I decided to play it gently. "Grudge," I said politely, "I've come to collect my distinctive personal characteristic."
His reaction was explosive. He thrust his fact close to mine and yelled "Mr Grudge if you don't mind." Then he called to a group of similar fairies who were hovering about. "Look 'ere. We got another one. Come in 'ere demanding 'is distinctive characteristic as if all we have to do is wave a magic wand!" He received their sympathetic guffaw then turned back to me. "Don't you know there's necessary stages, procedures and tests to go through first? Otherwise mistakes happen. What about the case of that A. Hitler person? Comes in yelling and making 'is demands for the gift of humble beatitude; causes a fight and then rushes off and no one knows what he got."
Grudge then told me that I should look up the lists of "gifts" on the notice board. I was allowed three alternative choices, because my first preference could be out of stock. I was to take my completed list to the Supplication Bay.
I hurried off to search for the catalogue numbers for "Wisdom", "Valour" and "Beauty". I listed them and presented my form to Supplication. They just laughed. "Get real, Buster," they said derisively. "We been out of stock of those for ages. Think again." They turned to ogle three scantily dressed young women chasing golden apples.
After months of searching, with the help of a thesaurus, I found a stocked item: "Prosperity". I hurried off to the test centre but found it was unsuitable and had to start again.
Finally, I found a personal characteristic that was both in stock and suitable. I went to the Delivery Hatch with my form. There, facing me, was Grudge! "What d'ya want?" he asked. I handed my form over to him. "I'd like this distinguishing characteristic, please. I have the code here," I replied with quiet dignity.
Grudge gave an ugly grin. "You've awready got it," he said. "You been getting it all the time you been 'ere. It's 'Fortitude'. That's what you've got, Mate!"
It's true. I've had no other quality all my life. But things could change! I may yet obtain a different gift. While I'm there I'll put in a good word for you!
Conrad
